Why do I bother.

Why do I even bother? On here, in life. WHY do I bother?

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Ups and downs…

Having a mental illness is exhausting and the most frustrating thing for a person to deal with on top of normal life stuff.

I am so sick of these ups and downs. Even with medication I still have some pretty bad downs. Not as bad as I used to but I still have them. I still ask my husband for reassurance more often then any wife should, and I still NEED people to tell me I’m beautiful even though I don’t believe them I still need to hear it.

I need to know that my husband is scared to lose me and that he still loves me and only me. He tells me every single day that he loves me but I am always asking him to tell me these things because sometimes I feel like I’m just not enough. Hence my previous post.

My ups aren’t even that good. I feel ok with myself and I know that my husband loves me and wants me and I don’t have to FORCE myself to get up and do the housework. But that’s as good as my ups get.

I know this stuff will never end but how can a person live with these feelings their entire life??

Not enough!

I am so sick of feeling like I’m not enough. Not enough of a good wife not enough of a good mom not pretty or sexy enough not smart enough just NOT ENOUGH of anything.

Sometimes I feel ok and then something happens and I feel terrible about myself. Like why can’t I just be ok. Why can’t people STOP lying to me or being rude and disrespectful? Why can’t I just be a good enough person for people to respect me and my feelings?

I can’t handle this anymore 😭

What the F**k is wrong with me??!!

Why can’t I just stop being a jealous person? I mean seriously what the hell can I do to stop this. I have tried counseling I have tried talking I have tried not saying anything I just can not seem to get past being jealous.

I have been raped, molested, cheated on, abandoned, I feel terrible about myself I think I look like a fucking pig, I am fat and I am not very smart either. So I know the causes of me being such a jealous person but I would have thought after all these years I would have gotten past it by now.

My husband tells me all the time that I am beautiful and sexy that he only ever wants me but everyone has said that, It isn’t that I don’t trust him I am just a over jealous person. A little jealousy sometimes is healthy in a relationship in my opinion other wise if your not afraid of losing someone ever then why are you with them.

So here I am to jealous and my husband isn’t jealous at all. I really think something is wrong with me that my meds can’t fix and I have no fucking idea how to get over it. I am starting to think that maybe I am just supposed to be miserable even when I am happy.

There must be other people out there that feel this way but I don’t have any one to talk to about it because no one I know gets it (not that I have any friends because I don’t)

Your supposed to be able to talk to your spouse about anything and everything but how can you do that if they just don’t understand???????????????

Am I supposed to just give up?

Sincerely,

The most fucked up women ever!

 

 

 

Its been a while

It has been quite some time since I late posted anything for many reasons one being not many people at all read my post. I was able to make a really good friend through one of my previous posts though so that is pretty awesome.

Anyway, there has been so much going on lately between work, kids, being a wife and all the other stuff in between that have been keeping me busy and just this last Mother’s Day was my birthday. I just turned 29. OK now I know I keep hearing that’s not old blah blah blah. Well this birthday made me really emotional and one night at work after getting my client settled and to sleep I sat down and decided that I was going to make a bucket list. Corny right?!

The reason this birthday hit me hard is the fact that I am almost 30 years old and I have nothing to show for it. I rent a shitty apartment barley big enough for our family and have really annoying neighbors, my husband and I both have running vehicles and such but I’m so sick of having to fix this and fix that. I have never owned a new car. I cant get a loan due to shitty credit because my parents used my name when I was just an infant and small child on utilities and such. (Back then you didn’t have to provide any information that would let the company know how old you really were).

So I sat down and make a list of all the things I would like to do before I die. I also made a small one for you know mommy daddy sexy time 😉 This should be interesting…

 

If for some reason any of you actually do like my posts please feel free to comment or contact me with some new ideas for posts. 🙂

I am a 29 year old wife and mom of 4 birth kids and 3 step kids 2 of which are grown up and living on their own. I have been married a few times so with these things alone I am sure I could write a few decent things with some ideas thrown my way.

Why can’t I see the “beauty” I am told is there???????

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Why is it that I can’t stand the way I look? I feel ugly and fat all the time and the snow is going to be falling soon and winter always makes these feelings worse. I don’t see what others see when they say I am beautiful, pretty, sexy ect. but I would give almost anything to see those things for even a minute.

I am on good meds that do a great job with stabilizing my moods but i can not seem to find anything or anyway to feel better about myself. This is all very frustrating.